We wish the game box had been empty.
How can a game box possibly know that you, a human, are empty? Now we're not aware of the latest and greatest in retail box to content of human soul relations, but such bald, brazen statements like the one serving as Digital Spray's game title should probably be avoided to prevent unnecessary and potentially destructive conflict between the parties involved. And the game should absolutely be avoided by you, the consumer, since it's terrible.
What exactly Digital Spray was hoping to accomplish with You Are Empty is anyone's guess. It's like Serious Sam and Painkiller purged of all their entertaining bits and Doom-era progression structure pressed on top of it all. You get key retrieval sequences, monster closets where you can actually see the monsters pop into existence, poor shooting mechanics, and a arrestingly limited assortment of weaponry. There's nothing exciting or satisfying about it.
The game takes place in the 1950s in the USSR. Stalin is in power, and a shady scientist develops a broadcasting technology engineered to help spread red glory across the planet. Of course there's a problem and everyone turns into monsters. You're unaffected, so you kill everything. There's a stark contrast between the action of the game, which is nearly as simplistic and rudimentary as first-person shooters get, and the animated cut-scenes, which tell of past events in an obscure but visually engaging manner.
Throughout the game, freakish and horribly modeled enemies accost you, but never in numbers great enough to elicit the surge of adrenaline in games like Serious Sam, which is the style this game seemed to be shooting for. Instead, you get handfuls of foes, like two lanky monsters in firemen outfits lumbering toward you at a time. After that, it might be an abysmally animated busty nurse with a missing face, some sort of giant turkey, or rats. Yes, rats.
Eventually you'll fight two types of bulbous ogres, one who spits venomous phlegm and another with massive arms and a tank-top. Digital Spray was trying to go for some kind of sense of humor here, most evident in an effeminate male ballerina NPC that literally comes out of a closet. Problem is, it's just not funny, except in that utterly insipid kind of way. We laughed at the giant turkey and his urgent "gobble-gobble" battle cry, but only because it was so surprisingly awful.
Then there are the "authentic" weapons: a Mauser pistol, Mosin rifle, double-barreled shotgun, wrench, and experimental electric ball gun…wait, what? So you're fighting fat abominations in orange sweaters wielding pickaxes, heroin addict females with sickles, yet using realistic weaponry. Well, with the exception of the electric ball gun. How did that ever sound like a good idea?
Combat is nowhere close to entertaining, unless you're one of those gamers who get a kick out of bottom-of-the-barrel thrills. Enemies jump from spaces which were empty only seconds before, and often stay rooted in the same spot. If they're mobile, they'll run directly at you, or, in the winged welders' case, bounce around like idiots. There's no challenge in defeating anyone, and progressing beyond any fight is pointless since it means you'll still be playing the game.
For whatever reason, Digital Spray decided your character speed should be competitive with that of a crippled tortoise strapped to an anvil. There's no sprint key and no method of accelerating your pathetic gait. If you're making a mindless shooter where the only point is to move forward and shoot, shouldn't it be a priority to ensure your character can quickly get to the action bits?
Closing Comments
You Are Empty needs a lot of things, aside from a title change. More intelligent enemies would have been great, or at least greater numbers of stupid foes. Digital Spray instead decided to throw small numbers of morons at you, give you an infuriatingly inadequate run speed, and make available one of the most boring arsenals in recent memory. It's an absolute must-bypass.
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